


Theta Learns a New Word

by agileassassin



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Minor Violence, North and York being bros4lyfe, Oneshot, Theta being cute
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-09 13:56:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1985445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agileassassin/pseuds/agileassassin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poking around in North's thoughts, Theta finds a new word, which leads to a rather interesting adventure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Hey, North?”

“What is it Theta?”

“What are titties?”

North dropped the apple he was eating and looked up at Theta’s holographic form. “Uhh…”

“And why do you think about them so much?”

North sighed and briefly thought about the drawbacks to having such an emotionally young AI Unit. Including, but not limited to, Theta’s sharp and sometimes hurtful honesty, his blindly trusting nature, and his childish curiosity. “Well, you see Theta, humans have—“ North started, but was cut off by York entering his dorm/barrack type deal.

“’Sup,” He said, sitting down on the edge of the bed beside North and Theta. “What’re you up to, T?”

“North’s about to tell me what titties are!” Theta said cheerfully, whilst North shot York a look that screamed ‘help me.’

“Well, I’m gonna stay and hear this,” York said. “Go ahead, Theta and I both want to know what these mysterious ‘titties’ are.”

“On the contrary, York, you know exactly what ‘titties’ are, and run many simulations on the physics of them in your free time,” Delta said, popping in.

“Delta, no!” York said.

“Delta, yes!” North added, shaking with laughter.

“I was simply correcting an error in your speech.”

“Brother, you know what titties are?” Theta asked.

“Yes I do. Would you rather have me explain it to you?”

“Please!” North said.

“Titties, slang for boobs, slang for breasts, are the upper ventral region of the torso which can be used to secrete milk.”

“So that’s where milk comes from?” Theta asked, enthralled by Delta’s words.

“Actually—“ Delta started.

“Absolutely!” York cut in. “All milk comes from… breasts. If you read the carton, you can find out which Freelancer’s breasts made the milk.”

“Woah! Do you think I could make milk?”

“Theta, you’re a holographic projection of a computer program,” North reminded him.

“Oh yeah…”

The next day at breakfast, Theta demanded that North get milk just so he could read the carton. As North looked all around the carton for the source of the milk, South sat down next to him.

“What’re you doing do that milk carton?” She asked, bits of toast stuck to her check. “You’re turning it all around like it’s a Rubix Cube or something.”

“I’m looking for the state where the milk came from,” North said, “Theta really wants to know.”

“We’re in fucking space. That milk coulda come from… you remember that weird planet with the purple sky and orange grass where we almost set the atmosphere on fire? It could’ve come from there.”

“That planet was called Ornat; I would think you would remember the name of a planet you almost destroyed.” North finished his quest to find the location of the milk. “Found the source!”

“Where?”

“South Dakota.”

“Bullshit! Lemme see!” South grabbed the carton away from him. “Where is it?”

“Hey, North, look on her carton! Do you think she drinks her own milk?” Theta’s voice intruded on North’s stream of thoughts.

North reached over and grabbed her milk. Now that he knew where to look, his search went much faster. He could feel Theta’s anticipation rise just before he read the source—Carolina. Speaking of, she had just walked in.

“HEY, CAROLINA!” Theta’s hologram booted up and he appeared, catching the attention of Carolina, who looked like she didn’t get much sleep the night before, and was still very bitter about no longer being at the top of the leaderboard.

“What!?” She snapped back, not even bothering to look over.

“South’s gonna drink some of your titty milk!”

“Wait, what?” Carolina said, looking over, very confused and enraged.

“The fuck Theta!” South said.

“Yep! And North is gonna drink your titty milk, South!” You could practically hear the smile on Theta’s words.

“I’m what!?” North asked, having completely forgotten about the exchange of yesterday.

Freelancers were now gathering to watch the scene, which would surely end in bloodshed, and maybe a trip to the Med Unit. 

“That’s what York and Brother told me, remember?” Theta said. “Milk comes from titties, and you drink milk!”

“Theta, baby,” South said, “milk comes from cows.”

“Cows is another word for titties, right?”

“No, a cow is an animal, and York is going to be punched,” Carolina said.

“I can’t believe it! I trusted him!” Theta started glowing brighter.

“Theta, calm down please!” North said, placing a hand to his head.

“Oh! …Sorry.” Theta stopped glowing as bright.

“Theta, where did you even learn the word ‘titties?’” South asked.

“North thinks about them a lot! Especially yours, Carolina!”

“THETA, NO!” North’s face flushed and he sheepishly looked up at Carolina, who was now looming over him.

“Pervert,” She said calmly, and punched him in the face so hard he flew off the bench. A few of the Freelancers circled around the scene snickered as North pulled himself up, using nearby benches and tables as support, and nearly toppled over when he finally stood up.

“Hey, Carolina,” South said as she watched her brother stumble around.

“Yeah?”

“You wanna go punch York for lying to Theta?”

“That’s not a good reason, but sure,” Carolina said, and the two walked out of the circle, South pushing North back to the ground when she passed him.

“That’s why you need that AI,” South said over her shoulder, causing the circle of Freelancers to make that OOOOHHHH sound that often happens after someone makes a hardcore burn.

“I completely forgot how good it felt to punch someone without gloves or anything,” Carolina commented.

“Well,” South said, “let’s go do it again.”

York’s screams could be heard all around the Mother of Invention.


	2. Chapter 2

“So milk comes from an animal called a cow?”

“Yes, and promise me you won’t listen to anything York tells you,” North said, holding a compress to his head that was given to him by a rather irritated Med Bay worker. (“You’re the fifth person in two days that Carolina’s concussed! That bitch should know better than roundhouse kicking or whatever everyone who irks her or some shit! What is her deal?”)

“But you should always trust people!”

“You can trust York, just not to tell you facts. Delta’s way more trustworthy with that stuff.”

“But you never said that what York said about titties was wrong,” Theta reminded him, crossing his arms defiantly.

“I never knew what you’d do with that information! And from now on, let’s call them boobs.”

"Why boobs?"

"It's more polite...I guess."

"North!" Florida cheerily said, his armor covered in crusting blood. "I just came back from an interrogation, and I heard what happened. Theta, sounds like someone played a joke on your cute little self!" He lightly tapped Theta's hologram, and even though Florida couldn't actually touch Theta, he still leaned back, kind of scared of Florida.

'North, I'm scared of him! He's gonna eat me!' Theta's voice resonated through North's mind.

"Aww, look at him! Are you scared of me, little guy?" Florida asked. "There's scarier things than me out there, you know. I just want to talk to you! Figure out how an AI works so I'll be ready as rainbows for mine, ehh?"

"I don't want any of my brothers to go with you!" Theta said, unnaturally confident.

"Theta, don't be rude!" North scolded. "Sorry, Florida, I think it's the blood smiley face on your helmet that's creeping him out."

"Gotcha," Florida said, rubbing his hand on his helmet. "Better?"

"A...A little," Theta responded. 'We can't take him with you out of armor like this. He's gonna attack us and eat me.' North's thoughts flooded with Theta's again.

"Theta, he's not going to eat you," North reassured. "Florida just wants to talk. A lot of agents are curious about AIs and how you work."

"Exactly! For instance, how did you access North's personal thoughts? Do you think you could do it to someone else?"

"Oh, getting into North's thoughts was easy!" Theta bragged. "I am implanted into his brain, after all. I know everything he's thinking, and has thought since I was implanted!"

"So if you've known all his thoughts for a few months now, why did you wait so long to ask what titties are?" Florida asked, completely enthralled in Theta's words. "Surely he's thought about them before." North got more and more uncomfortable with the conversation topic.

"'Cause it was a new word. North doesn't think in words that much, he thinks in pictures! It's really fun to watch, I learn all sorts of new stuff!"

"Like what?" Florida smirked devilishly behind his helmet. He knew exactly how to manipulate someone into giving him the information he wanted, in this case, North's deepest darkest secrets.

"Theta, maybe we should get going," North said, trying to convey verbally to Theta when the red flags he sent up in his mind didn't phase the AI.

"Why? You said he only wanted to talk." Theta's strong suits were not in reading the atmosphere. Or understanding North's subliminal messages. "Anyways, North doesn't think about ti- boobs a lot, he thinks more about Wash and York." 

"Really? This is really interesting Theta, go on!" Florida's words prompted North to send him a look that screamed "fuck you."

"Okay! So, you know the things human send liquid waste out of? Well, North really likes thinking about Wash's and York's, and--"

"Alright Theta, we're leaving. NOW."

"Aw...bye Florida!" Theta said, waving back at Florida, who was struggling to not burst into laughter.

"Theta, we're about to have a long talk about personal things."

"Sounds fun!"

Ten minutes later, South punched North's door a few times before slamming it open. "There's always one gay twin," she said.

"What are you talking about, you're the gay twin!"

"Yeah, but at least I keep it to one at a time."

"That's the biggest lie I've heard in a while," North said. "You hit on Tennessee and California within 30 seconds of each other. While you were in a relationship with CT."

"They turned me down though."

"North hasn't even asked Wash or York out yet!" Theta popped in.

"Theta, what were we just talking about?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry..."

"Speaking of York," South said, leaning on the door frame, "Carolina and I dragged his sorry ass to the Med Bay. If you want to ask his unconscious face out on a fuck date, now's the time." She turned to walk away. "He might actually say yes to you at this point, Carolina's rejected him so much."

"Later," North said. "I have to teach Theta how to not spill secrets."

"Have fun with your kid," South said, and walked away.

"Alright, Theta, let's talk about self-control now."


	3. Chapter 3

"I do not think York would appreciate if I were to relate that information to you," Delta said, glowing green over York's unconscious body.

"That's the beauty of it! He doesn't have to find out!"

"You fail to recognize how integrated I am with York."

"Please. All you have to do to get me to stop bugging you is answer one simple question."

"I refuse."

"Give it up, Mex. Delta isn't budging." West turned dramatically to stare at Delta. "Yet."

"C'mon, just tell me how often he thinks about Carolina," Mex pleaded. "Naked."

"I will not."

Wyoming walked into the Med Bay. "Delta! Old chap, you're still active."

"What do you want, Pubestache? We're in the middle of something," West said.

"I need you to rate a knock knock joke. Gamma says it's horrid, but I don't believe the little prick," Wyoming said, ignoring West's comments.

"If past experiences are any indicator," Delta said, "your joke will be sub-par."

"Fuckin' wrecked," Mex commented.

"It is not worth my time to hear a joke with such little potential." Delta threw down the truth to a mildly offended looking Wyoming. "However, I am not programmed to understand humor, and it is highly unlikely that Gamma is, thus why York often groans when either one of you begins a knock knock joke."

"It's not a knock knock joke," Wyoming responded.

"Shit, really?" West asked.

"Go for it," Mex said.

"What kind of cave," Wyoming asked, "does a homosexual man live in?"

"Your ass," Mex responded.

"A Gayve," Wyoming answered, not giving a single thought to the oh so kind comments of New Mexico.

"Booo," West said, shoving her thumb down. Mex facepalmed.

"I have not been programmed understand humor, but judging from the responses of Agents West Virginia and New Mexico, your joke was a failure on all objectives."

"I told you, you shizno," Gamma said, blinking to life.

"'Shizno' is not a word," Delta responded.

"Your face isn't a word," Mex said.

"Good job, Mex, that was almost as funny as Wyoming," West said.

"What are you trying to say?" Wyoming responded.

"Wh...What?" York woke up.

"He lives," West said.

"York, the good news is that Carolina finally hit on you," Mex said. "The bad news is that she did it physically."

"Yeah, Mex, I got that part, you don't have to remind me," York said, holding his head and stomach.

"Healing would have gone 182% faster were you in armor," Delta commented.

"Were I in armor, I wouldn't've gotten my ass handed to me by Carolina and South," York retaliated.

"It is your fault for deceiving Theta."

"I am officially lost," Wyoming said.

"Oh, you didn't see it? Carolina punched North clean off the bench at breakfast," West said.

"Theta started yelling about titty milk and then North got laid the fuck out," Mex added. "It was hilarious."

"Did you see the way South pushed North down?" West said, getting more enthusiastic as the story was told.

"'That's why you need that AI,'" Mex mimicked South. The two burst into laughter.

"What are you implying about AI?" Delta asked.

"Ask South, she's the one with the issue," West said.

"York!" Florida said, the door opening with a flourish. "What a pleasure to see you recovering so well! I'm just stopping by on my way to Armor Processing, have to get the blood off fast or it stains, y'know, but I spoke to North a little bit ago."

"Stop right there," Mex said, holding his hands up for emphasis. "Is Carolina still on a rampage?"

"No, she and South went their separate ways~ I saw South by herself looking rather satisfied on the way here," Florida replied. "But York, North said he wanted to talk to you, something about...revenge."

"Revenge doesn't really seem like his style," York commented. "It's probably going to be some childish prank on South."

"Revenge is my middle name!" Wyoming said. "I shall come along for the ride!"

"Later..." York said.

"York, it would be most beneficial if you were to talk to North immediately," Delta said.

"Why?"

"Fast responses are a strong indicator of friendship, and it would help your physical state to walk around."

"D, sometimes you are a huge dick."

"Thank you, York." When the Freelancers stared at Delta, he became very confused. "Is not large genitalia considered desirable to humans?"

"Just...Not...I'll explain later." York got up to find North, Wyoming following close behind.


End file.
